You are NOT the father.

— Maury Povich
≈two episodes per week
The Maury Show

Why It’s Moronic

It’s hard to admit, but there was a time—many, many years ago—that I watched Maury on occasion. I mostly was interested in the bad teens he would ship off to boot camp; Maury was so paternal to these brats who just didn’t give a shit.

I don’t know when the transition happened, but Maury’s show now is like a slightly calmer Jerry Springer!

Maury keeps finding new mothers of bastard children and provides DNA testing. He announces the results for the mother, alleged father, and studio audience. I guess it’s a valid service, since, throughout history, a lot of people have had one-time indiscretions leading to pregnancy. But here’s the twist: Maury’s staff has an incredible knack for attracting the sluttiest of the slutty. Nine times out of ten, the result is “You are NOT the father,” even in the case of repeat visits from many of the women. (I think one shameless woman was featured twelve times before getting the coveted “You ARE the father” announcement.)

[Let me state for the record that I cannot stand to watch Maury—the overwhelming bulk of my interaction with Mr. Povich is strictly via the TV Guide channel and his website to check upcoming show themes. If there’s a DNA show, I might watch a few minutes to keep tally... if I have nothing else going on.]

I have no issue with single, healthy people being promiscuous. But wrap it up, morons! Approximately two Maury shows per week address the pesky problem of “Uh oh! I bareback-screwed five guys that week I was ovulating.” Ladies, do you really want to be in the situation of not knowing who your child’s father is? How about contracting STIs and passing them onto your child?

When I watch the continual parade of Maury morons, I marvel at their situations and their desperation in asking a talk show to solve their problems. Then I imagine Maury going home and sharing the freak-show stories with his wife (Connie Chung) over dry meatloaf and know that the paternal Maury of yore probably was just an illusion or wishful thinking on my part. He’s just another guy trying to make a buck off others’ misfortunes.