It’s a nice trailer, in a nice trailer park… No, it’s not like the trailer park that Eminem lived in.

— Minnie Driver
“Friday Review”
September 2004 The Guardian

Why It’s Moronic

Minnie simultaneously said she lives in a trailer park and made a class distinction between hers and the lowlife kind. I generally don’t have a problem with Minnie Driver (she’s talented, seemingly brainy, and a good interviewee), but this seemed like a really weird thing to say. I mean, even if you have the Maserati of trailer homes, you still only have about three square feet of space between yours and the next.

I know what trailer park she’s talking about, too: When I first started seeing Malibu foreclosures for an astoundingly low $200K (where the average home price is well over $1 million), I had a big “Aha!” moment once I figured out they were trailers. I was shocked that Malibu would allow trailers—even the rural farming town of 1,200 where I grew up didn’t allow trailers—and consequently thought they must be some newfangled fancy kind. Nope. They’re just trailers. Check out the listing photos yourself.

Don’t fool yourself, MD: Even in Malibu, across the street from the Pacific, trailer-park life is trailer-park life... whether you’re a 2004 Minnie Driver or a 1994 Eminem.

— Pete Wentz
“Interview: Fall Out Boy (Pete Wentz)”
April 2006 ABSOLUTEPUNK

Why It’s Moronic

Easy: Think before you speak. We all know there’s no accounting for taste, especially when it comes to music, so why would I pick on a successful rockstar?

Well, a lot of this particular interview focuses on the singer’s fervent disinterest in “being a sellout” or “marketing.” There are claims about all of the things he’s declined doing because he doesn’t believe in them. He also states that he won’t ever change and become big-headed.

Fast-forward a bit: Mr. Fall Out Boy recently started aggressively marketing himself as a model, launched a clothing line, and even stooped as low as ice-skater Tara Lipinski by guest-starring on a WB/CW show. His role on an episode of One Tree Hill was decidedly un-punk and hard to watch:
• Pete’s stiff “acting” consisted of little more than giggling/smiling, kissing, and half-assedly delivering very lispy banter... not that the writing was great.
• He conveniently wore a hoodie from his line, Clandestine—so much for that snub to “marketing.”
• Playing himself, Pete got involved with a high-school student; they slept in the same bed. There wasn’t actual sex, but isn’t it at least inappropriate? There was no address of his real-life relationship, either, which made no sense when he was playing himself.

Check out a montage of Pete’s screen-time in the OTH episode at YouTube. As you watch, keep in mind that Pete really wants to be a model. I’m all for breaking stereotypes, but he’s staggeringly short (bordering on midgetry) and has strange proportions and bad posture. (If you want to become depressed, also keep in mind that over 3,000 people have saved it as a favorite; hopefully, they’re being ironic.)

— Nicole Richie
page 11
The Truth About Diamonds: A Novel

Why It’s Moronic

Nicole Richie “wrote” this “fictional” Hollywood “novel” to strike while the iron was hot. Smart move. This BS would not have been published had she not been famous (for being famous) at the time.

Taken from the first part of the book, the selected quote is stupid on at least three counts:

• There’s the ham-fisted analogy of smooth skin versus Four Seasons linens. I suppose a group of unworldly young ladies will be impressed because “Oh my God, she actually knows what Four Seasons linens feel like!” I call this nightmare demographic The Future Louis Vuitton Handbag Buyers of America.
• Next, she uses the phrase “literally squeezed your heart.” Nicole Nicole’s ghostwriter clearly doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “literally.”
• Lastly, she changes tense/case—an amateurish writing mistake—to say “your heart” instead of “my heart” or “our hearts.” This is a common verbal flub that really shouldn’t be made in professional writing. Oh well, I guess Truth won’t become a classic.

The stupidest thing about this book is that the main character, Chloe, obviously is based on Nicole Richie; however, real Nicole is the narrator of the story, if that makes any sense. (Maybe she can feel better about all of her past cattyness and bad behavior if she’s just telling the story from an outside perspective.) Chloe is surrounded by thinly veiled versions of real-life celebutards we associate with Richie, and guessing who they are isn’t even challenging, so don’t expect any real brain-wave activity. Consider taking up a drug addiction of your own to help you swallow this piece of uselessness.

— Jessica Simpson
endorser
1) Proactiv ad, 2) Pizza Hut ad, and 3) Liquid Ice ad

Why It’s Moronic

Jessica Simpson has endorsed, sponsored, or partnered with the following brands: Blockbuster, Dessert Beauty, DirecTV, HP, HairBoutique.com, HairDo clip-in hair extensions, Hudson Jeans, Ice Breakers Liquid Ice mints, JS Collection, Jessica Simpson Eyewear, Jessica Simpson Handbags & Footwear, Jessica Simpson Swimwear, Parlux Fragrances, Pizza Hut, Princy, Proactiv, Sweet Kisses Clothing, and Tarrant Apparel. I’m sure there are more, but these are just the ones I could remember or find.

When someone crosses the line from having endorsements that supplement his income to becoming an endorser of anything and everything, there’s a problem.

I understand that Jessica probably is not getting enough real work—after all, her movies generally bomb, and her music aspirations seem to have been neglected—to take in the moolah required to maintain her lifestyle. An option would be to curb the Roberto Cavalli spending sprees and concentrate on her namesake brands to develop and stabilize them as long-term projects. (Think Mary-Kate and Ashley.)

It’s also worth mentioning that, despite being part of a social stratum whose finickiness is almost expected, Simpson has voluntarily endorsed some really low-level stuff. Pizza Hut? Really? You may trot in Jimmy Choos and Prada boots, but the effect is lost the second you pop a Cheesy Bite into your piehole.

— Perez Hilton
1) “Love Him or (He Prefers) Hate Him” and 2) “Beauty Advice from... Perez Hilton?”
1) July 2007 New York Times and 2) April 2007 Glamour

Why It’s Moronic

Perezzle is on the SM sh!t-list because he doesn’t believe in paying for the copyright-protected images he uses on his money-generating website. His distorted logic claims that images found online are public domain or something... and he likes to defend criticism by saying, “Everyone else is doing it.” I plan on using that excuse if the IRS ever audits me.

Aside from poor business ethics, Perez Hilton has lucked himself into quite a career based on mediocrity: His site is pretty ugly design-wise, his logo and illustrations stink—he had to get rid of the most attractive one after it solicited a threat of lawsuit from the image copyright-owner—, his writing is terrible, and the scrawls on the featured images are juvenile. (Potty-mouthed chicken scratches are not enough to satisfy the requirement of altering images by 30% or more to be within the law.)

Anyway, Madonna must be his idol, but how Perez aligns himself with the megastar is beyond me. At least they have one thing in common: Madonna has been sued many times and currently is fielding several lawsuits for alleged theft, copying, or use of other people’s work.